How Inspiration Comes to Me...

... different ways, i suppose. 

one way though is through writing at our glass table in the kitchen.  the bay window that it touches allows me to feel like i am welcoming the outdoors in - opening up the invitation of nature, powerfully peaceful she is. 

blue skies, sunny days... rain drops dancing on the pink roses that line the exterior home wall.... the daily birds that sing, not for anybody in particular, only because they have a song in them.

i admire that.

as i sit and let the pen glide across the spiral notebook pages... sometimes i spill out how i am feeling, mostly though i give thanks... and find safety there in opening up my creative visions - my hopes. 

i speak to the Spirit often in my daily writing... grateful for her messages that she whispers... touched and humbled for the gifts that are laid upon my heart to honor and bring to life.

i honor my Spirit.

the book arrived today - which really holds more meaning than i have yet to express, the purposeful act behind it - i find that it is best to allow inspiration to unfold rather than to spell it all out. 

if you, me, we, us, them, they, her... are open to being inspired within... then jam on... if not, then, no harm, no foul.

like the birds that sing outside our kitchen window... sharing a song with the Universe - it is what it is.

what one takes from those songs, only they will feel in their heart - it is what it is.

as i wrote this afternoon after receiving the book, 'In the Spirit of Hope'... i threw out a question for clarity to the Spirit... and as i finished the line up with a question mark... in that exact moment, on this overcast day.... the sunlight took over and poured into the bay window, brightening the notebook and warming me.

i had received my answer. i was inspired. i gave thanks.

the answer: yes, give light to...

In the Spirit of Hope

when inspiration comes... it often touches my heart strings... which in turn, asks me to be moved to action. 

the Spirit that speaks within guides creativity into being.

at times... i dismiss this creative inspiration calling... due to my own insecurities.

then there are times... i honor the gift that was placed in my heart.

this collaboration came together beautifully.

it flowed... and many thanks are given.

in life... sometimes you never know whom you may be touching with love, inspiration... hope.  there is an amazingly powerful and peaceful beauty in that... how one small ripple can flow into different directions, different perspectives and be carried along with a force you never even imagined it to have.

it is my hope, for this book... that connection happens... for whomever may come across its pages. the Universe has a way of aligning goodness all on its own when people open up to that miracle.

may this book bring blessings, hope, love and connection.

with Great Love and In-Spirit... this book was created.

Blurb book link:

In the Spirit of Hope

All funds raised from this book will be donated to Michelle's Place, a breast cancer resource center.

Personal Thoughts | Finding the Light

it was never meant for him to save me... heal me... instill in me... my worth... my joy.... my zest for my life.  he approached my depression... my anxiety... my anger... my control over the years... in numerous ways... at times, sitting quietly on the edge of the bed... breezing by me as if i was invisible... offering up suggestions... words of advice... that fell on deaf ears... holding me as i cried... yelling back at me as i barked at him.... many different angles he tried.

when you take in a loved one struggling... it's heavy... he didn't understand my thoughts... as they were mine and tangled all on their own in my head... but he always felt my despair... my lack of hope.

i found myself defending my views... with love, of course... yet as i seemed to have diarrhea of the mouth... i knew in that exact moment... that angle was failing miserably.

i knew it... but i continued to offer more unwelcomed soliciting.

i was frantically scratching at the slippery walls of my mind... desperate to have the exact combination of words come out that needed to be heard.

i failed miserably...

as the words i have to offer will never allow another to rise from their ashes.

only they hold that power... to rise back up.

thankful for free will... for all.

if i have learned one thing about my own depression and anxiety through the years - it's this... i was always waiting on myself to be given permission to release the false thoughts of what was.

it always goes back to faith, hope & love... for me.

that is what always resurfaces myself to the warmth and light... to the life i have been gifted.  

to the truth.

this morning as i sat down to write my daily pages... i lit a candle for the first time...

the flame was natural, pure, powerful, peaceful...

the energy flowing from it was exactly what i needed to take in.

i believe what is in my heart...

i am reminded again that it is for each of us to come to a point...

of love, worth, hope, desire, purpose...

and own it.

somethings can never be gifted to another...

and it is only through my faith that i am at peace with this...

 it is only through my hope... that i believe we will all welcome in what our heart desires...

it is only through my love... that i humbly apologize for my ego to defend...

always learning in life... i'm thankful.

Personal Thoughts | I Got This

i read along as she described her getaway with her husband - a time for them to reflect back... and focus forward with their dreams... a pivotal point as they opened up to each other... in the toasty log cabin, while snow blanketed winter's canvas.

that  post was 3 years ago.  she captured my attention from that reading on.  her light was bright. i found strength, inspiration and authenticity in what she put forth.

if somebody is going to share their light, their joy.... through their passion... it is appreciated when they can as well share their darkness.... the place from which they once resided.

it's respectable. it's real. it's truth.

it gives perspective on how bright their light does shine.

me ra koh is a mentor of mine.  i admire her character... her determination... her vision... her heart... her desire to share and empower.

i have always dreamed of attending a confidence workshop that me ra and her husband, brian, lead.

i have tried to sneak in to a couple open doors... not really knowing my worth at the time... only my pure desperation.

i have let a couple doors close... justifying to myself all the reasons why it would be selfish to go... and furthermore, why i was unworthy of such a gift.

i have wished that certain family members would gift this workshop to me, taking the responsibility off myself.

the time was not right at any of those opportunities... truth be told.

as i sit here... exhausted at early afternoon.... from shedding uncontrollable tears of joy... thankful for where i am at in my life, today... so full of Grace and His Love. i acknowledge the workings of the Universe.  i am humbled by the process of it all.  Inspired to say the least.

i got this.

i get that it wasn't meant for me to be gifted in pure desperation.

i get that it wasn't meant for another to tell me i am worth it.

i get that i had to own it. i had to feel it. i had to want it. i had to move beyond my strict guidelines of needs versus wants.

i had to know that i am worth it.

i have struggled for years with depriving myself of my wants.

a punishment of sorts.

all of my own doing.

my best friend text me vigorously this morning... barking lovingly at me to get on it.... and purchase a spot for the workshop.  as the text messages backed up on my phone... already feeling overwhelmed in the space that i was in... all i could text back was... "i'm scared."

fear is a powerful energy source, it is imperative to face it.

fear teaches me... about what i want and how i perceive myself.

fear is always a pivotal point in life.

it is freeing to stand on the opposite side of what once threatened my livelihood...

and realize...

i got this.

my husband, works through a quiet... less intense emotion... in regards to love... when he is believing in me.

i woke him up this morning blubbering about how i needed to find a friend.... and me ra and brian are giving such an amazing gift...  and through my tears... i even felt the need to tell him how emotional i was feeling. he's a good sport... he deals with me like a gem.... 9 times out of 10.

"do you still want to attend?"

"HONEY! I'M SCARED!!!"

"uh-huh. but, do you still want to attend?"

"of course i do... but i'm scared of failing."

"find a friend and sign up."

"what if i'm suppose to stop my photography? this season has been rocky. but i love my photography. maybe, honey, God wants me to face these set backs and challenges with others this season to make sure i am sure of my own passion. that i am creating art that i love."

"glad you worked it out gorgeous. here is the card."

i sat in front of the monitor for the next hour... spinning my wheels... talking myself into why i was worthy of this workshop and re-directing my bullying thoughts. 

it was finally time to gift myself a want.

i was worth it.

my dreams are worth it.

it's nice to have people in my corner... but it's essential to have myself in my dream corner too.

i believe in my light... and i will keep following inspiration as my guide.

the Universe always provides.

http://www.merakoh.com/2011/11/27/cyber-monday-is-live/

Goals | Romanced With Challenges

5 weeks prior... that was the last time i stepped foot inside 24hr fitness.  the day before my birthday actually.  then, surprise... SURPRISE! dad was standing at my front door on Oct. 11th. talk about a gift!

 

yadda, yadda - life happens.... and the gym never once took it personal that i was a no show... for 5 weeks! always welcoming that gym is. patient too.

 last saturday night... i felt the anger inside me rising.

at myself.

i'm getting pretty good at determining what my malfunction is these days... when an uneasy feeling arises within.

though anger does not develop often at others anymore... namely with compassion and allowing myself to excuse any negative flowing energy that may be coming my direction... i do still carry a wave of emotions geared towards my own thoughts/actions.

a week ago i was huffing and puffing all around the house.

i was provoked within.

i had set a goal way back in september that i would do my first 5K run... the temecula turkey trot... and with a week to go... i found myself neither registered... nor running... not pro-active at all with my goal.

i beat myself up for about 30 minutes...

how could i expect to meet a huge goal {triathlon} if i couldn't even meet this small goal..?

i debated if i was even worth the thirty dollar registration fee...

i toyed around with the idea of catching the next 5K that would be somewhere 'down the road'...

i already knew what i had to do.

still, i allowed myself some time to defend why i was unworthy.

inner thoughts are powerful... regardless of the direction i teeter with them.

i whipped my frustrations by jacob and melissa that evening...

their views were both crystal clear as they listened to my rant.

they allowed me to get clear too, in my own time... in my own way.

i appreciate them tremendously.

i registered.

melissa registered - she's especially supportive like that.

the next morning i got my ass to the gym.

it felt needed.

he welcomed me.. as if to say,

'what took you so long gorgeous, we work well together. beautifully even.'

random tangent - perhaps for another post.

today... we did the temecula turkey trot 5K.

not just a 5K... but a powerful & peaceful 5K!

not a pitiful 37.03 minute 5K... but a powerful & peaceful 37.03 minute 5K!

it's of utmost importance to me.... when i set and meet a goal... that i acknowledge and give thanks... all powerful & peaceful stepping stones on my journey. i am okay starting with where i am at. i am inspired with people that have accomplished what i desire to achieve. i am thankful for the determination, focus and purpose i see in others... the world is your mirror.  i am grateful to be living my life. i feel romanced with challenges... the mysterious, one day, reachable beauty... keeps me striving, ya know?

life happens. life is a challenge. life is beautiful.

live it. meet it. engage it. own it.

http://www.sportsnaps.com/us/event/2011-11-26/temecula-california/the-temecula-turkey-trot-5k-and-10k_304/?bib=380

Personal Thoughts | Which Is Love

love is truth.

periodically, the truth is raw.

as i wept on the coldness of the bathroom floor in the studio apartment many years ago... it felt as if my heart had been shattered.

it emerged more than unreasonable... it was ultimately wrong.

it presented that i was damaged and not worthy of love.

i took the blow to the head... and allowed my thoughts to speak viciously within.

as i walked solo in the brisk morning the other day, an alternative perspective challenged me...

one that was over a decade in the making.

when a person speaks in love, love being their truth... it is the purest way to honor.. both self and others.

it was only my ego that i had allowed to be attacked.

love doesn't beg. love doesn't plea. love isn't defensive. love doesn't hurt. love doesn't lie.

my perception, through my ego, was provoked in aggravation and lost in understanding... but that was solely on me.

in striving to identify the world as right verses wrong, good verses bad... i lost sight that this was actually a blessing of love... and the act never desired to be labeled.

it was not in the least meant to be a targeted attack... perhaps rather, a sincere honesty, in reaching for what the heart desires...

highly respectable, actually.

when a relationship... of any kind.... no longer serves a purpose, for at least one party involved... it is love in letting the other one go.  it is truth in not holding back on the assumption of fear that the other may internally own it.  in the attempt of pleasing others, for the sake of them not being able to handle the truth - which is love - is not only dishonoring them... but myself as well.

struggling to resolve... fight for... hold on... mend... justify... our relationship was never needed... it was an energy-wasted pursuit at saving my ego, purely...

looking back in hindsight... always more insightful, amen??

where i stand with all relationships that have been meaningful in the past.... that seized purpose... is in a place of love. 

and in love... my truth is that all, friends, family, lovers, of the past, may reside in a space that honors the purpose of what their pure heart desires most.

what i hope for one... i have to hope for all.

that is truth... which is love.

Monthly Self Photos | Burning Desire

when i loaded the camera chip and was viewing the 4 month photos... i felt a sense of shock... trying to find the familiar in myself, that wasn't there any longer, at least in the physical form.  to write out my thoughts in the present... in what i am feeling with where this journey (started four months ago) up until now, has taken me, transformed me... would feel forced.  just like i could not articulate the meaning of the trip to connecticut to visit my dad upon my return home... i find myself unable to articulate where i am today.

so i will leave the writing alone, for now.

it is only when i feel a burning desire inside to write... does pure inspiration flow through my words.

inspiration, for me, is God's gift sent to propel, to guide, the direction of my life's purpose.

i will honor and share the one word that is screaming out to me today to be written, which is...

perspective

Personal Thoughts | Bella will Always be a Blessing

a few years back, while my dad was here in california visiting us, he took some time... multiple hours... to prune our apricot tree.

he taught me that the branches on the fruit tree that grew straight up, were only for appearance.  he referred to those as 'sucker branches'... in a human, equivalent to their ego i'd imagine.  as he clipped back the 'suckers' one branch at a time, reaching from the top of the ladder he stood upon... he explained that the 'sucker branches' took energy, or life - goodness... away from the branches that were destined to reach out to the sides.  once he took the effort to clip each of the 'suckers', all of them... then and only then would the fruit - the goodness of the tree... overflow with abundance, with purpose... and reach her full potential.

that spring, i could barely make out the brown on the branches, instead was a sea of apricots, all huddled together... stretching from the base to the tip of each branch.  covered, fully... in goodness.

when the fruit was ready to harvest.... our family enjoyed the juices... our neighbors were gifted with the apricot tree's presents... our freezer even stored up the apricots to be used throughout the year.  there was plenty of goodness to enjoy - an abundance.

bella, five at the time, approached the tree and with helping hands lifting her up... she selected an apricot for herself.

she spit it out as soon as the unfamiliar juices danced with her senses... wailing and expressing her dislike for the apricot. 

the tree, clearly unmoved by this... felt no shame in what she produced.  she was confident in her goodness. she was honored to be able to share her fruits with whomever - the varying results equally counted all in joy.

you see.... as bella realized she hadn't acquired the taste for an apricot just yet... perhaps even wishing she had picked from a sweet, predictable, cherry tree.... the apricot tree delighted in all of the energy it was producing, giving & absorbing back again.

the cycle of life.

what the tree silently acknowledged as the truth... was that if a fruit was dismissed or yearned for... it was still potentially enriching the being that took the time to pluck it.

bella hopefully learned from the apricot tree something in turn about herself... even if it was as simple a lesson as to recognize that she did not like the taste of apricots.

perhaps, in time, something more meaningful would surface for her.

the apricot tree's role in the life cycle is to branch out and provide gifts.... to provide goodness.  it owns this.  it stands deeply rooted.... through the seasons, past the storms, in the midst of sunshine.  its trunk never sways or doubts its purpose as an apricot tree - to give.

the apricot tree doesn't long to be an apple tree nor a plum tree... it gives what is within... to whomever is open to receiving.

and whether or not bella decides to taste from her tree again... is regardless of the point.

the point being - life is a mirror... a reflection of our own self.

being able to appreciate... see, feel, taste & touch... beauty, compassion, purpose, hope, love - goodness, outwardly... even in an apricot tree...is possible only because you see it within yourself. 

Personal Thoughts | Served & Service

with some lack of clarity, the challenges stepping up to my face... more so, as negative fuel inside my head... i have felt uneasy inside that last few days.

i will not quit.

"life is a challenge, meet it." -Mother Teresa

still though, shaky endurance and perseverance and a great desire for focus is where i find myself in the present.

 

i  have not always seen the world in full color... i have rarely dared to dance with her... and never offered my song back to her... my heart desires this now.

so i will keep dancing.... while conditioning my voice to be heard.

one day... i will sing.... of love and hope.... of His Grace.

as i sat in front of this, fragile to the appearance, lady... on her cold maroon leather couch, with the tiny, scruffy, white-haired dog nestled up to me on my left and a faithful box of tissues on my right... i listened with tear soaked cheeks as this licensed professional offered up her opinion as a bold theory,

"honey, i wonder if perhaps you have been depressed your entire life?"

my initial inside voice full of pride reacted,

"is this lady nuts? did she just say the words entire life and depression in the same sentence? psshh!!   hmmm.... does she pose a debatable question?  to much to rummage over... get me out of here!"

i thanked her for her time.

i never went back.

i wasn't ready to explore the inside workings of freida... yet.

i never allowed myself often to search within... i held tight to outwardly fighting for control.

i attempted to befriend control my entire life.

it was out of 1. shame and 2. fear that i longed to be b.f.f.'s with control.

we never really served each other.... not for lack of trying, i might add.

a year ago when i juggled the idea of taking my life, my frenemy, control, honored my life... and i am forever thankful.

with my ego, i could not make sense of how my children would be able to raised, properly, without their mother.  i was that immersed in control to believe that nobody could raise them except myself.  that egotistical thought, kept me here... barely living, but here.

for that, i am grateful to control.

it was nearly six months later that i learned to let go of that life long relationship, we agreed, it had been a long time coming. we agreed, we never thought it would come to this.  we agreed, it was freeing.

i am going to write my story, and though it will intertwine with my family members lives... it will be my story... delivered with the intentions of goodness, only.

i am thankful today for what i have given myself permission to let go of.

i am grateful for the people, the teachers, that with focus... dug deep within themselves to share light through their personal testimony.

they didn't have to share what enriched, healed, gave life back to them.... but they did.

when i say life is beautiful... what i mean by that is...

life.is.beautiful!

Artist Date | Sailing Her Ship

she taught me well.

there had been many of nights when we stood together in the studio room... often times racing the hours on the clock... to finish a window... trying to work out some brilliant piece of artwork... that would be displayed in a home, a church.... in all of its magnificent intensity. 

she took the time to teach me.

and with those stained glass lessons... came the knowledge that in order to create such beauty.... there would be the risk of getting cut...

tiny glass pricks...

to possibly, intensely deep cuts of glass sliding across your finger(s).

either way.... we were prepared.

three different sized boxes of band-aids sat on the shelf in the work studio... just in case required.

as i sat at our glass table in the kitchen the other day... which has doubled as my writing desk... i began to answer the book's request:

write 20 things that you enjoy doing.

cool, i got this - i thought. 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...6...7.... listed... and then

i sat.

and sat some more.

and thought... 'what else do i enjoy?'

after a lengthy duration of time.... i completed my list of 20.

the book went on to ask me to date next to each 'like'... when was the last time i actually allowed myself the joy in partaking in that activity.

the list was split between two time frames:

this month

or

it's been some time.

the book kept on... and asked me to select two activities that i have not been allowing myself to do... and make it a goal to try to enjoy those 'likes' - this week.

i selected two... and yesterday i made the first of those 'goals' a reality.

for this week's artist date... i decided to head out to the garage, by myself... and stand in front of the entire year long untouched table.  my window stared back at me... begging to be dusted off.  i ignored my art for so long.

i was sadly concerned with how dull the glass appeared - how i had left this art alone... for an entire year.

after dusting it off... with the music jammin'... i thought i was ready to start back at my master piece.

funny. 

what i realized was that road block after road block would present itself... almost challenging me to stop working on the window before i even began again.

count it all in joy.

often times, we need to take care of, unblock even, some "stuff"... before we can be an active artist.

the pens needed to draw the next pattern were out of ink.

the paper was absent on my table to even draw a pattern on.

the scissors were broken.

my glass cutter had dried up and required oil to roll smoothly across the glass.

the grinder hummed the quietest i'd ever heard, lacking the power needed to delicately shape the edges of glass.

my protective goggles were missing.

i addressed all the road blocks... almost humorously by the time the 4th one came along.... thinking to myself,

'well, clearly the grinder is not working. clearly, God, i must work through this. clearly, God, i get the lesson. clearly, God, in creating a colorful piece of art, it takes more than just joy... it takes passion, heart & a strong desire to keep at it... and with any meaningful artist act in life... there needs to be a range of emotions.  it's required to feel the emotions... the pains, the joys, the frustrations, the inspirations. got the message God, thank You.'

as Pink's song, "Perfect" played:

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.
You're so mean,
When you talk, About yourself, You are wrong.
Change the voices, In your head
Make them like you Instead.
So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it! Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
Oh, Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

... i was falling into the groove... finally able to slide the diamond chip bit across the glass.

it felt right.

it reminded me of my mom.

my powerful mom... that taught me well.

15 years ago as she watched over my shoulder as i leaned forward to make a line through the glass... she told me,

"once you commit to making the cut in the glass, you do not raise your cutter until the line is complete, and has made it to the other side - to the opposite edge."

in essence, she taught me not to quit.

with stained glass, there comes numerous varieties... and textures.

likewise, different levels of difficulty (skill required) in making certain cuts.

my mom is a master glacier... she does her art well.

she has the skill required to create stunning exquisite pieces.

i am thankful she saw the value in teaching me.

she has always been my greatest teacher in life.

i have taken from her the type of person i wish to be...

the top-notch characteristics i live my life with...

the morals and integrity,

the kindness and compassion,

i am thankful she also taught me not to fear glass.

she taught me that i will bleed.

she taught me that in order to create such beauty, pain may run through my hands as well.

and that, that pain was okay to endure.

after all... only through the pain, the strength, the inspiration.... would the vibrant colors of the window come together... only then would a master piece come to life. 

i am thankful for my mom.